we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
