hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
