how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
