don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
