Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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