planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
