quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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