I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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