Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
