some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
