I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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