Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
