I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
