To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
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