My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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