she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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