am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
