Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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