Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
why is half of my head shaved?
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