ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
