Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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