My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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