Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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