so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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