Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
