After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
