I'm laying in your front yard are you home
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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