I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
