i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
we're making bets on your personal life
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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