filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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