Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
