Well apparently he's into motor boating.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
