Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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