Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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