If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
