At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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