nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
