Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
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Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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