Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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