I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
