When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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