We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
