haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
