Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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