You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
