I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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