where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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