Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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