That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
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