I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
