I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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