We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need to calm my uterus...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
