I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I met the friendliest cop last night
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
