i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
