Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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