the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
