Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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