my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
