I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
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So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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