There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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